Wishcasting -- 10/27

What do you wish to shed?

1. worry about what other people are going think
2. a few more pounds
3. 15 minutes off my half marathon time
4. stuff that I no longer need or use
5. an issue at work that is stressing me out
6. disorganization
7. debt
8. being too serious and tired (I want to play more!)

Bling!

Wishcasting -- 9/8

What do you wish for less of?

 1. anxiety/fear/worry

2. pretending everything is okay

3. too much stuff and clutter

4. television

5. feeling full of dread

6. fatigue

7. extra pounds

8. cleaning house

8.29.10

August 2010 Dreamboard

What I see in this dreamboard...
             the desire to go on a retreat
             the desire to connect with people on an authentic level
             the desire to feel (really feel) love from others and self love
             the desire to continue with a regular yoga practice
             the desire to continue exploring a vegetarian (and sometimes vegan) diet
             the desire to see food as a pathway to health

LOVE IS THE ANSWER

8.9.10

August Break

I have been a bit behind because I have been on vacation!! I have been diligent about taking pics, but posting them has been difficult as I don't always have access to the internet. Here are my pics for the last couple days...

August Break

August Break

August Break

August Break

August Break

I am going to join Susanna Conway in her August Break project. A picture a day in August. I am starting a bit early, but it seems like so much fun I could not resist.

Wishcasting -- 7/7

What do you wish for your relationships?

The relationships I have been thinking about the most are my marriage and my relationship with myself.

I wish for my marriage -- more intimacy, more fun, and more honesty. We have been together for a long time and got married pretty young. We have done a lot of growing up and I think we are getting to know each other again. There seems to be a reorganization of our relationship that happens every few years. Not a bad thing. A bit uncomfortable at times, sometimes a bit awkward. However we always come out on the other side stronger. I want to go deeper and more real.

As far as my relationship with myself, I feel like I am starting from the beginning. I never thought about a relationship with myself. This is something I have discovered in the last year. I am working REALLY hard at this and it feels hard a lot of the time. There is a reorganization that happens here to, but it feels disorganizing in a lot of ways.  A lot of what I thought I knew is shifting. I trying to stay present, to not grasp, to get tied to an outcome. Easier said than done. My wish is to continue to get to know myself even as I am changing. To be patient, kind, and loving to all parts of myself.

My Parents

June Dreamboard

Today - Yoga

i had a big shift today. one that i have not had time to fully absorb or come to understand. But, it signals change, growth, healing.

i have long used television to tune out, protect myself, and be numb. i have this knowledge and awareness for a while, but not much desire to change it. i forced myself to change in the way i always do (do it now, make it hard, and make it big). i gave up tv for a month. it was was really hard.


but today was different. i came home from work and did not WANT to turn on the tv. i listened to music, made dinner, and just was. then i went to yoga. again, i WANTED to go. i did not force myself, i did not beat myself up about going, no guilt, no pressure.


i am moving towards, health. not all at once, not a smooth path, but i see the steps in that direction. i feel the space, the calm, and the desire inside myself. there are things i still don't understand, but i have faith that these will come in time.

i feel really proud of myself and wanted to acknowledge this accomplishment.

Introducing Shiloh

Wishcasting Wednesday - 6/16/10

What do you wish to nourish?

nour·ish

tr.v. nour·ished, nour·ish·ing, nour·ish·es

1. To provide with food or other substances necessary for life and growth; feed.
2. To foster the development of; promote: "Athens was an imperial city, nourished by the tribute of subjects" (V. Gordon Childe).
3. To keep alive; maintain: nourish a hope.

I found I had to look up the definition as I was thinking about my answer. My very first instinct was that I wish (and need) to nourish myself. But then I was struggling to figure out what that meant. I am slowly learning how to care for myself. I have been thinking a lot about how it is difficult to mother myself since I was not mothered in a caring or nourishing way. I am learning that lesson on my own, by trial and error. I have found myself thankful for this though. I have developed the sense that I am much stronger for having to learn this lesson, even in this painful way.

I also wish to nourish my marriage. We have been married for 9 years and were pretty young when we got married. So much has happened and we have both changed in so many ways. I would like to find a way to nourish our relationship so there can be authentic depth and vulnerability. I want to nourish our relationship so there is less room for judgement and misunderstandings. I want to nourish our relationship so we can see each other with new eyes, to fall madly in love again, and to nourish each other for the people we have become.

Wishcasting -- 6/2

What do you wish to know?

Again an *8 things list, a la Magpie Girl. This is a list of things that I know in that deep down knowing way. They are things that I sometimes forget, sometimes doubt, but that have carried me through and revealed their truth.

1. The process is important

2. Good things take time (trust the process)

3. Things have a way of working out (trust the process, see a theme developing?)

4. People are doing the best they can with what they have

5. There is not one ultimate truth -- we all create and live our own truth

6. Feelings are really, really important and need to be heard and honored

7. Kindness and manners make the world go round

8. Belief in the power of relationships to heal and transform

May Dreamboard

This is my first dreamboard that I don't totally understand. I see my desire for beauty, trust, and transformation. The keys puzzle me a bit. What do they unlock? Why is it locked in the first place? So many things to hold and consider. I am loving the questions and being patience with all that I don't know. I embrace the not-knowing.

New Adventure

I got a new camera. A fancy DSLR camera. Truth? I have no idea how to use it. I mean, I can shoot in auto mode, but anything beyond that I'm lost. I am excited by this. A chance to be a beginner. So often, I feel pressure to be good, to be the best, to be flawless. This pressure is exhausting, but also oppressive. It does not allow things to live, to expand, and to transform. So, I'm a beginner. I am hoping that the practice of being a photography beginner will help me to generalize the "beginner mind" to other parts of my life. I read somewhere, "expectations are disappointments in disguise". Anne Lamott says, "expectations are resentments under construction". Being a beginner is, in part, managing expectations. Being a beginner means that mistakes are going to happen, are normal, and part of the process. Being a beginner means trusting and respecting the process.

A couple pics taken from my beginner place:

Wishcasting Wednesday -- 5/12/10

What do you wish to experince?

In the style of Magpie Girl, I am here is my *8 things list of what I wish to experience:

1. Italy
2. radical self love and acceptance
3. boundless creativity
4. living in a single family home
5. my own competence
6. full engagement in a (UU) faith community
7. regular meditation/yoga practice and a silent yoga retreat
8. knowing how to feed myself healthy and nourishing food

My Neighborhood

Beautiful Morning

April Dream Board

Spring

Naismith -- Turns 4 this week! Happy Birthday

Seeking

Wishcasting -- 4/21

What do you wish to dare?


I am daring to uncover my creativity. I am writing more and exploring photography. I have always been creative, a kid who got lost in books, stories, and play. But my creativity went underground. It was something that put me in competition with someone and that was terrible. It was also something that I never felt I owned for myself and so never felt proud of it. I never inhabited my creativity. But I have come to understand that it is an essential part of me. If I can get passed my gremlins who say that it is not good enough, other people are better, that people will judge and laugh at me, etc. If I can get passed my anxiety, I can create beautiful and meaningful things.


I am someone who gets lost in my head and in ideas. The danger with this is that sometimes, I never take action. Change demands action. So, in order to uncover my creativity, to excavate it from my depths I am taking action. I am writing everyday at least 5 minutes. I am taking pictures when I walk the dog. I am also talking back to my gremlins.

Wishcasting -- 4/14

What do you wish to be gentle with?

GENTLE is my word for 2010. I really love when synchronicity appears in my life. 

What was my intention when I picked gentle? I wanted to be more gentle with myself. My gremlin says that what I do does not matter unless it is hard. So, I discount and push myself. I hold myself to a standard that is often impossible to meet. Then I beat myself up . And the cycle repeats. I am learning to except myself, flaws in all.

Wishcasting -- 3/10

What do you wish to say no to?

 

I want to say no to doubt and fear. Nothing good happens when these occupy my heart. This is true in lots of ways. It keeps me sitting on the couch and not trying a new restaurant. It stops me from reaching out to others. It keeps me from seeing new and creative solutions. 

I also want to say no to boundaries that make me uncomfortable. I am a complicated relationship with my mother. I often don't say anything when she is making me angry, uncomfortable, or upset. I work really really hard to not rock the boat. I know that this is true because of the consequences in the past. However, I feel like I want to move forward with my life and that means speaking up and protecting myself. 

One more thing, I want to say no to negative self talk. I want to say no to all the voices that say I am not good enough, that I am too much, that I am no good, etc.

February Dream Board

 

My February Dream Board

What stands out first to me is that I put "let your story unfold..." on my last Dreamboard as well. What does that mean? I think I feel like I have a story that is worth telling. That my truth is bubbling to the story wanting to be set free.

The other things that stand out for me is the wish for magic/goddess and the desire to feed/care for myself. I want magic in my life, I want to know the spirit, I want to be inspired. I also want to learn how to care for myself in a gentle and healthy way. I want to make friends with food and with my body. 

My birthday is coming up and I am aware that I will be a year older. I don't remember this awareness in past years. I am aware that my body is a victim of how I treat it and that it will not forgive my sins forever. I struggle to sustain healthy choices. I feel more connected to my physical self and to my morality than ever before. I hope this awareness can help me to move into caring for myself in new ways.

Wishcasting -- 2/24

What do you wish to give yourself permission for?

i have no idea how to answer this. makes me think i need to give myself permission to find the answer.  makes me think of this...

...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a Young Poet

Wishcasting -- 2/17/10

Where do you wish to make a difference?

 I know that by going to work each day that I am making a difference. I am confident that I have touched thousands of families. I love that I have found a job and a passion that allows me this opportunity.

This wishcasting made me wonder if there was something else I feel called to do. I don't think so. I feel fulfilled by my job and love that I touch lives everyday. The question that I have been pondering is how do I sustain myself in order to keep doing this work. The work is hard, it is stressful, it is easy to become depleted. I don't want to burnout. I don't want to end up in just a job, sitting at a desk. I know that I need to be vigilant about my self care, about how I am filling myself up to enable me to keep doing what I am doing. How do I stay fresh? Present? Passionate? and Joyful?

I don't know the answer. I am trying to plan regular days off. Trying to maintain a regular yoga practice. Eating right. Finding a way to stay connected to that which is larger than all of us. It is not easy. I try to remind myself that I chose gentle as my word for the year. So I can be gentle with myself for not having the answers. Be gentle with myself for having ice cream for dinner. Being gentle for myself when I feel frustrated with a kid's behavior. Finding love for myself so I can show love for others.

The Doubts

So, I am visited by The Doubts every so often. This family comes and creates some chaos for me. This week has been the week that The Doubts are in town. The Doubts consist of "I don't know what I am doing", "I'm never going to know what I am doing", "Everyone probably knows I don't know what I am doing", "I must be a big joke since I don't know what I'm doing", "I must be a terrible person since I don't know what I am doing".....the list could go on and on. What results is lots of anxiety, self doubt, and ick. Up until this week, I think that this felt like this was me, The Doubts were part of me. But this week, I understood things differently. I understood that this was a temporary thing, that The Doubts were just visiting and would leave. That The Doubts don't define me, don't really even know me. I am so much more than The Doubts.

Wishcasting -- 1/6

What dream do you wish to explore?

 to discover and explore big love in a way that will change me. 

Dear 2010

Welcome 2010. You are ushered in by football, naps, and frigid air.

2010, help me to be connected to hope and love.
          2010, I want you to be a year of joy, unfettered by the usual darkness.
                    2010, I also want you to be a year of community.
                              2010, push me to health and wellness.
                                        2010, support me in my pursuit of myself.
                                                  2010, I am grateful to be here to welcome you.

An interesting queston and great mantra

Can I name one of my own inner contradictions?

current mantra: be awake