Seeking

Wishcasting -- 4/21

What do you wish to dare?


I am daring to uncover my creativity. I am writing more and exploring photography. I have always been creative, a kid who got lost in books, stories, and play. But my creativity went underground. It was something that put me in competition with someone and that was terrible. It was also something that I never felt I owned for myself and so never felt proud of it. I never inhabited my creativity. But I have come to understand that it is an essential part of me. If I can get passed my gremlins who say that it is not good enough, other people are better, that people will judge and laugh at me, etc. If I can get passed my anxiety, I can create beautiful and meaningful things.


I am someone who gets lost in my head and in ideas. The danger with this is that sometimes, I never take action. Change demands action. So, in order to uncover my creativity, to excavate it from my depths I am taking action. I am writing everyday at least 5 minutes. I am taking pictures when I walk the dog. I am also talking back to my gremlins.

Wishcasting -- 4/14

What do you wish to be gentle with?

GENTLE is my word for 2010. I really love when synchronicity appears in my life. 

What was my intention when I picked gentle? I wanted to be more gentle with myself. My gremlin says that what I do does not matter unless it is hard. So, I discount and push myself. I hold myself to a standard that is often impossible to meet. Then I beat myself up . And the cycle repeats. I am learning to except myself, flaws in all.

Wishcasting -- 3/10

What do you wish to say no to?

 

I want to say no to doubt and fear. Nothing good happens when these occupy my heart. This is true in lots of ways. It keeps me sitting on the couch and not trying a new restaurant. It stops me from reaching out to others. It keeps me from seeing new and creative solutions. 

I also want to say no to boundaries that make me uncomfortable. I am a complicated relationship with my mother. I often don't say anything when she is making me angry, uncomfortable, or upset. I work really really hard to not rock the boat. I know that this is true because of the consequences in the past. However, I feel like I want to move forward with my life and that means speaking up and protecting myself. 

One more thing, I want to say no to negative self talk. I want to say no to all the voices that say I am not good enough, that I am too much, that I am no good, etc.

February Dream Board

 

My February Dream Board

What stands out first to me is that I put "let your story unfold..." on my last Dreamboard as well. What does that mean? I think I feel like I have a story that is worth telling. That my truth is bubbling to the story wanting to be set free.

The other things that stand out for me is the wish for magic/goddess and the desire to feed/care for myself. I want magic in my life, I want to know the spirit, I want to be inspired. I also want to learn how to care for myself in a gentle and healthy way. I want to make friends with food and with my body. 

My birthday is coming up and I am aware that I will be a year older. I don't remember this awareness in past years. I am aware that my body is a victim of how I treat it and that it will not forgive my sins forever. I struggle to sustain healthy choices. I feel more connected to my physical self and to my morality than ever before. I hope this awareness can help me to move into caring for myself in new ways.

Wishcasting -- 2/24

What do you wish to give yourself permission for?

i have no idea how to answer this. makes me think i need to give myself permission to find the answer.  makes me think of this...

...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a Young Poet

Wishcasting -- 2/17/10

Where do you wish to make a difference?

 I know that by going to work each day that I am making a difference. I am confident that I have touched thousands of families. I love that I have found a job and a passion that allows me this opportunity.

This wishcasting made me wonder if there was something else I feel called to do. I don't think so. I feel fulfilled by my job and love that I touch lives everyday. The question that I have been pondering is how do I sustain myself in order to keep doing this work. The work is hard, it is stressful, it is easy to become depleted. I don't want to burnout. I don't want to end up in just a job, sitting at a desk. I know that I need to be vigilant about my self care, about how I am filling myself up to enable me to keep doing what I am doing. How do I stay fresh? Present? Passionate? and Joyful?

I don't know the answer. I am trying to plan regular days off. Trying to maintain a regular yoga practice. Eating right. Finding a way to stay connected to that which is larger than all of us. It is not easy. I try to remind myself that I chose gentle as my word for the year. So I can be gentle with myself for not having the answers. Be gentle with myself for having ice cream for dinner. Being gentle for myself when I feel frustrated with a kid's behavior. Finding love for myself so I can show love for others.