Grace

August Break - 8/9

2011-08-09T13:55:00.004-05:00

August Break - 8/8

2011-08-09T06:53:00.003-05:00

August Break - 8/7

2011-08-09T06:52:00.003-05:00

August Break - 8/6

2011-08-09T06:52:00.000-05:00

August Break - 8/5

2011-08-08T07:18:00.000-05:00

August Break - 8/4

2011-08-08T07:17:00.003-05:00

August Break - 8/3

2011-08-08T07:17:00.000-05:00

Wishcasting Wednesday - 8/3

2011-08-04T07:55:00.000-05:00

What door do I wish to open?

The door to my heart.

To softening.

To seeing the light and goodness.

To loving myself.

The door to my heart is also the door to my unborn child.

The door to love.

The door to surrender.

The door to joy.

I will step through with courage knowing that sadness will accompany me as I continue to grapple with the passing of my father.

The door to becoming a mother seems like a massive transition and transformation.

I will need courage, patience and compassion.

I will chose and open the door to love, joy, and kindness. I will bring courage and authencity.

August Break - 8/2

2011-08-03T07:03:00.000-05:00

August Break - 8/1

2011-08-03T07:02:00.002-05:00

May 2011 Dreamboard

2011-05-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

Dreamboard -- 3/19/11

2011-03-19T21:18:00.000-05:00

Seems clear what is on my mind, in my heart, and in my dreams. It is my hope that the next months are filled with joy, health, and discovery. I want to stay present to the life that is growing within.

Wishcasting -- 10/27

2010-10-27T19:37:00.000-05:00

What do you wish to shed?

1. worry about what other people are going think
2. a few more pounds
3. 15 minutes off my half marathon time
4. stuff that I no longer need or use
5. an issue at work that is stressing me out
6. disorganization
7. debt
8. being too serious and tired (I want to play more!)

Bling!

2010-10-17T16:44:00.002-05:00

Wishcasting -- 9/8

2010-09-08T19:34:00.000-05:00

What do you wish for less of?

1. anxiety/fear/worry

2. pretending everything is okay

3. too much stuff and clutter

4. television

5. feeling full of dread

6. fatigue

7. extra pounds

8. cleaning house

8.29.10

2010-08-29T08:55:00.001-05:00

August 2010 Dreamboard

2010-08-24T19:49:00.000-05:00

What I see in this dreamboard...
             the desire to go on a retreat
             the desire to connect with people on an authentic level
             the desire to feel (really feel) love from others and self love
             the desire to continue with a regular yoga practice
             the desire to continue exploring a vegetarian (and sometimes vegan) diet
             the desire to see food as a pathway to health

LOVE IS THE ANSWER

8.9.10

2010-08-09T21:44:00.001-05:00

August Break

2010-08-08T15:05:00.001-05:00

I have been a bit behind because I have been on vacation!! I have been diligent about taking pics, but posting them has been difficult as I don't always have access to the internet. Here are my pics for the last couple days...

August Break

2010-07-30T05:40:00.003-05:00

August Break

2010-07-26T18:01:00.001-05:00

August Break

2010-07-24T16:19:00.001-05:00

August Break

2010-07-23T17:55:00.001-05:00

August Break

2010-07-22T13:07:00.001-05:00

I am going to join Susanna Conway in her August Break project. A picture a day in August. I am starting a bit early, but it seems like so much fun I could not resist.

Wishcasting -- 7/7

2010-07-07T19:49:00.000-05:00

What do you wish for your relationships?

The relationships I have been thinking about the most are my marriage and my relationship with myself.

I wish for my marriage -- more intimacy, more fun, and more honesty. We have been together for a long time and got married pretty young. We have done a lot of growing up and I think we are getting to know each other again. There seems to be a reorganization of our relationship that happens every few years. Not a bad thing. A bit uncomfortable at times, sometimes a bit awkward. However we always come out on the other side stronger. I want to go deeper and more real.

As far as my relationship with myself, I feel like I am starting from the beginning. I never thought about a relationship with myself. This is something I have discovered in the last year. I am working REALLY hard at this and it feels hard a lot of the time. There is a reorganization that happens here to, but it feels disorganizing in a lot of ways. A lot of what I thought I knew is shifting. I trying to stay present, to not grasp, to get tied to an outcome. Easier said than done. My wish is to continue to get to know myself even as I am changing. To be patient, kind, and loving to all parts of myself.

My Parents

2010-07-05T19:37:00.000-05:00

June Dreamboard

2010-06-26T19:49:00.000-05:00

Today - Yoga

2010-06-22T21:45:00.000-05:00

i had a big shift today. one that i have not had time to fully absorb or come to understand. But, it signals change, growth, healing.

i have long used television to tune out, protect myself, and be numb. i have this knowledge and awareness for a while, but not much desire to change it. i forced myself to change in the way i always do (do it now, make it hard, and make it big). i gave up tv for a month. it was was really hard.

but today was different. i came home from work and did not WANT to turn on the tv. i listened to music, made dinner, and just was. then i went to yoga. again, i WANTED to go. i did not force myself, i did not beat myself up about going, no guilt, no pressure.

i am moving towards, health. not all at once, not a smooth path, but i see the steps in that direction. i feel the space, the calm, and the desire inside myself. there are things i still don't understand, but i have faith that these will come in time.

i feel really proud of myself and wanted to acknowledge this accomplishment.

Introducing Shiloh

2010-06-19T18:08:00.000-05:00

Wishcasting Wednesday - 6/16/10

2010-06-16T16:56:00.001-05:00

What do you wish to nourish?

nour·ish

tr.v. nour·ished, nour·ish·ing, nour·ish·es

1. To provide with food or other substances necessary for life and growth; feed.
2. To foster the development of; promote: "Athens was an imperial city, nourished by the tribute of subjects" (V. Gordon Childe).
3. To keep alive; maintain: nourish a hope.

I found I had to look up the definition as I was thinking about my answer. My very first instinct was that I wish (and need) to nourish myself. But then I was struggling to figure out what that meant. I am slowly learning how to care for myself. I have been thinking a lot about how it is difficult to mother myself since I was not mothered in a caring or nourishing way. I am learning that lesson on my own, by trial and error. I have found myself thankful for this though. I have developed the sense that I am much stronger for having to learn this lesson, even in this painful way.

I also wish to nourish my marriage. We have been married for 9 years and were pretty young when we got married. So much has happened and we have both changed in so many ways. I would like to find a way to nourish our relationship so there can be authentic depth and vulnerability. I want to nourish our relationship so there is less room for judgement and misunderstandings. I want to nourish our relationship so we can see each other with new eyes, to fall madly in love again, and to nourish each other for the people we have become.

Wishcasting -- 6/2

2010-06-02T17:49:00.000-05:00

What do you wish to know?

Again an *8 things list, a la Magpie Girl. This is a list of things that I know in that deep down knowing way. They are things that I sometimes forget, sometimes doubt, but that have carried me through and revealed their truth.

1. The process is important

2. Good things take time (trust the process)

3. Things have a way of working out (trust the process, see a theme developing?)

4. People are doing the best they can with what they have

5. There is not one ultimate truth -- we all create and live our own truth

6. Feelings are really, really important and need to be heard and honored

7. Kindness and manners make the world go round

8. Belief in the power of relationships to heal and transform

May Dreamboard

2010-05-30T16:41:00.000-05:00

This is my first dreamboard that I don't totally understand. I see my desire for beauty, trust, and transformation. The keys puzzle me a bit. What do they unlock? Why is it locked in the first place? So many things to hold and consider. I am loving the questions and being patience with all that I don't know. I embrace the not-knowing.

New Adventure

2010-05-15T11:38:00.000-05:00

I got a new camera. A fancy DSLR camera. Truth? I have no idea how to use it. I mean, I can shoot in auto mode, but anything beyond that I'm lost. I am excited by this. A chance to be a beginner. So often, I feel pressure to be good, to be the best, to be flawless. This pressure is exhausting, but also oppressive. It does not allow things to live, to expand, and to transform. So, I'm a beginner. I am hoping that the practice of being a photography beginner will help me to generalize the "beginner mind" to other parts of my life. I read somewhere, "expectations are disappointments in disguise". Anne Lamott says, "expectations are resentments under construction". Being a beginner is, in part, managing expectations. Being a beginner means that mistakes are going to happen, are normal, and part of the process. Being a beginner means trusting and respecting the process.

A couple pics taken from my beginner place:

Wishcasting Wednesday -- 5/12/10

2010-05-12T09:52:00.000-05:00

What do you wish to experince?

In the style of Magpie Girl, I am here is my *8 things list of what I wish to experience:

1. Italy
2. radical self love and acceptance
3. boundless creativity
4. living in a single family home
5. my own competence
6. full engagement in a (UU) faith community
7. regular meditation/yoga practice and a silent yoga retreat
8. knowing how to feed myself healthy and nourishing food

My Neighborhood

2010-04-30T16:44:00.001-05:00

Beautiful Morning

2010-04-29T19:30:00.003-05:00

April Dream Board

2010-04-28T06:00:00.004-05:00

Spring

2010-04-27T20:20:00.000-05:00

Naismith -- Turns 4 this week! Happy Birthday

2010-04-26T19:53:00.002-05:00

Seeking

2010-04-23T19:22:00.004-05:00

Wishcasting -- 4/21

2010-04-22T19:23:00.000-05:00

What do you wish to dare?

I am daring to uncover my creativity. I am writing more and exploring photography. I have always been creative, a kid who got lost in books, stories, and play. But my creativity went underground. It was something that put me in competition with someone and that was terrible. It was also something that I never felt I owned for myself and so never felt proud of it. I never inhabited my creativity. But I have come to understand that it is an essential part of me. If I can get passed my gremlins who say that it is not good enough, other people are better, that people will judge and laugh at me, etc. If I can get passed my anxiety, I can create beautiful and meaningful things.

I am someone who gets lost in my head and in ideas. The danger with this is that sometimes, I never take action. Change demands action. So, in order to uncover my creativity, to excavate it from my depths I am taking action. I am writing everyday at least 5 minutes. I am taking pictures when I walk the dog. I am also talking back to my gremlins.

Wishcasting -- 4/14

2010-04-17T13:39:00.000-05:00

What do you wish to be gentle with?

GENTLE is my word for 2010. I really love when synchronicity appears in my life.

What was my intention when I picked gentle? I wanted to be more gentle with myself. My gremlin says that what I do does not matter unless it is hard. So, I discount and push myself. I hold myself to a standard that is often impossible to meet. Then I beat myself up . And the cycle repeats. I am learning to except myself, flaws in all.

Wishcasting -- 3/10

2010-03-10T19:40:00.000-06:00

What do you wish to say no to?

I want to say no to doubt and fear. Nothing good happens when these occupy my heart. This is true in lots of ways. It keeps me sitting on the couch and not trying a new restaurant. It stops me from reaching out to others. It keeps me from seeing new and creative solutions.

I also want to say no to boundaries that make me uncomfortable. I am a complicated relationship with my mother. I often don't say anything when she is making me angry, uncomfortable, or upset. I work really really hard to not rock the boat. I know that this is true because of the consequences in the past. However, I feel like I want to move forward with my life and that means speaking up and protecting myself.

One more thing, I want to say no to negative self talk. I want to say no to all the voices that say I am not good enough, that I am too much, that I am no good, etc.

February Dream Board

2010-02-28T21:08:00.004-06:00

My February Dream Board

What stands out first to me is that I put "let your story unfold..." on my last Dreamboard as well. What does that mean? I think I feel like I have a story that is worth telling. That my truth is bubbling to the story wanting to be set free.

The other things that stand out for me is the wish for magic/goddess and the desire to feed/care for myself. I want magic in my life, I want to know the spirit, I want to be inspired. I also want to learn how to care for myself in a gentle and healthy way. I want to make friends with food and with my body.

My birthday is coming up and I am aware that I will be a year older. I don't remember this awareness in past years. I am aware that my body is a victim of how I treat it and that it will not forgive my sins forever. I struggle to sustain healthy choices. I feel more connected to my physical self and to my morality than ever before. I hope this awareness can help me to move into caring for myself in new ways.

Wishcasting -- 2/24

2010-02-24T19:26:00.000-06:00

What do you wish to give yourself permission for?

i have no idea how to answer this. makes me think i need to give myself permission to find the answer. makes me think of this...

...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a Young Poet

Wishcasting -- 2/17/10

2010-02-17T18:59:00.001-06:00

Where do you wish to make a difference?

I know that by going to work each day that I am making a difference. I am confident that I have touched thousands of families. I love that I have found a job and a passion that allows me this opportunity.

This wishcasting made me wonder if there was something else I feel called to do. I don't think so. I feel fulfilled by my job and love that I touch lives everyday. The question that I have been pondering is how do I sustain myself in order to keep doing this work. The work is hard, it is stressful, it is easy to become depleted. I don't want to burnout. I don't want to end up in just a job, sitting at a desk. I know that I need to be vigilant about my self care, about how I am filling myself up to enable me to keep doing what I am doing. How do I stay fresh? Present? Passionate? and Joyful?

I don't know the answer. I am trying to plan regular days off. Trying to maintain a regular yoga practice. Eating right. Finding a way to stay connected to that which is larger than all of us. It is not easy. I try to remind myself that I chose gentle as my word for the year. So I can be gentle with myself for not having the answers. Be gentle with myself for having ice cream for dinner. Being gentle for myself when I feel frustrated with a kid's behavior. Finding love for myself so I can show love for others.

The Doubts

2010-01-06T21:01:00.000-06:00

So, I am visited by The Doubts every so often. This family comes and creates some chaos for me. This week has been the week that The Doubts are in town. The Doubts consist of "I don't know what I am doing", "I'm never going to know what I am doing", "Everyone probably knows I don't know what I am doing", "I must be a big joke since I don't know what I'm doing", "I must be a terrible person since I don't know what I am doing".....the list could go on and on. What results is lots of anxiety, self doubt, and ick. Up until this week, I think that this felt like this was me, The Doubts were part of me. But this week, I understood things differently. I understood that this was a temporary thing, that The Doubts were just visiting and would leave. That The Doubts don't define me, don't really even know me. I am so much more than The Doubts.

Wishcasting -- 1/6

2010-01-06T20:39:00.002-06:00

What dream do you wish to explore?

to discover and explore big love in a way that will change me.

Dear 2010

2010-01-01T18:15:00.000-06:00

Welcome 2010. You are ushered in by football, naps, and frigid air.

2010, help me to be connected to hope and love.
          2010, I want you to be a year of joy, unfettered by the usual darkness.
                    2010, I also want you to be a year of community.
                              2010, push me to health and wellness.
                                        2010, support me in my pursuit of myself.
                                                  2010, I am grateful to be here to welcome you.

An interesting queston and great mantra

2010-01-01T08:45:00.000-06:00

Can I name one of my own inner contradictions?

current mantra: be awake

Wishcasting -- 12/30

2009-12-30T20:00:00.001-06:00

What do you wish for 2010?

I feel a bit overwhelmed by answering this question. This makes me think... list...

1. run another half marathon (this would make 7)

2 run another full marathon (this would my 2nd)

3. figure out what grace means for me and how to invite it into my life

4. find a new church home (our old church was ruined by petty behavior...long story)

5. develop and stick to a daily spiritual practice

6. continue to find joy in my psychotherapy practice

7. be grateful

8. to have a baby

9. to make more art

10. be grateful

Wishcasting -- 12/24

2009-12-24T13:38:00.002-06:00

What do you wish for this holiday season?

We don't celebrate Christmas as a Christian holiday. We recently joined a Unitarian Universalist church. Honestly, it felt like coming home. It was a community and spiritual tradition that mirrored so much of how I have felt and thought over the years. Feelings and thoughts that often made me feel different and as though I did not fit in. Feelings and thoughts that I often did not talk about with others. But, to find a community that had similar values, ideas, and thoughts ... very special. This holiday season I am grateful to have found a community such as this.

My wishes for the holiday season are rest, peace, and simplicity. So often my holidays become cluttered with too many parties, gifts, and obligations. This does not feed my soul. It pulls me outside of myself and makes me feel uncomfortable, tired, cranky, and depleted. I am an introvert (despite my attempts to change). I am also really sensitive. These things I find are not valued by most and I have spend a lot of my life being ashamed and acting as if I were different. Mostly this ended with me feeling depressed, tired, and angry. My wish is that I can be in touch with these parts of myself, love them and care for them. That I can create quiet moments with my husband that lead to deep relationship. That I limit obligations that deplete me. My wish is also that through this discipline and practice, that I will be able to share my true self, my joy, and real peace.

December 31st Dream Board

2009-12-19T14:19:00.003-06:00

I made the first one quickly, just picking out things that spoke to me. The second one brings forth the word that I have chosen for 2010.

The first board....

Some close up views....

What I learned from this dreamboard is that I am reaching for something bigger than myself. That I want to live from a place a faith, not fear. That I want to find a quiet, strong and powerful center that can lead me to authentic connection with others. This will allow me to move beyond ego, to be vulnerable. I also learned that connection with my physical self is very much on my mind. I desire to learn to feed myself in a healthy, reasonable and joyful way. I want to move everyday to help me stay connected to myself. I want to awaken with gratitude. I want to discover what defines me and then blow past any definition as I expand into the world with grace love and gratitude.

The second board....my word for 2010...

Musings for the day

2009-12-18T20:06:00.000-06:00

I saw this quote somewhere and it speaks to me...

I surrender in gratitude to that which is

The idea of gratitude has been in my heart and thoughts a lot lately. It is something I want to cultivate more in my life. I want to recognize the blessings in my life even when they present in unexpected packages. Even when I initially think it is not a blessing and resist.

The other idea in this quote that I am desiring is acceptance. That things are good the way they are. That moments are good even when they are messy, painful, or confusing. Even when the moments cause me to feel vulnerable and exposed. I am desiring a confidence in myself that I can move through moments with a gentleness and gratitude. I wish to cultivate a confidence in the universe that things will work out...it might not be how I think it will work out, or how I would want it to work out....but a sure-ness that things will be fine.

Maybe this quote can be a mantra for me. A reminder of these things I am cultivating in my life. A calling to bring this to me.

I surrender in gratitude to that which is. I surrender in gratitude to that which is.

Wishcasting -- 12/16

2009-12-16T20:01:00.002-06:00

What do you wish to give?

I want to give kindness, love, and grace. I want to give people freedom and empowerment. I want to give of myself in relationship. I offer my gratitude for the stuff of life.

12/09 Wishcasting

2009-12-09T19:23:00.002-06:00

What is your spirit wishing for?

There are answers that come up immediately: peace, confidence, connection with myself, connection with something bigger than myself. But, I'm not sure that these come up quickly because they are the things I want most. Sure, they are important and I want to cultivate them in my life. However, I wonder what is beneath them. What are the things that are hidden deeper within myself that don't reveal themselves as easily or quickly? I want to be a mom and nurture life and hope in the future. This is one that surprise me a little as it is something that I have not always wanted. I want a deeper and more intimate connection with my husband. I also want to belong to a community. This actually scares me quite a bit. It means being noticed and seen by others. It means being vulnerable, making mistakes, showing my talents, and being accountable. All things that make me anxious. My spirit is also calling me to be more present in each moment. To get out of my head, to live form my heart, to be alive in each moment.

I have only recently begun to discover my spirit and the larger spirit that has begun to call to me. I hope that the spirit can give me courage to take steps into unknown waters and provide faith that I have what is needed and that I am enough. I wish that the spirit will shine a light into the dark places of my soul and call forth the best of me. I hope that the spirit will illuminate beliefs that no longer serve and help me to help places within that have felt broken for many year.

Reflecting on my Full Moon Dreamboard

2009-12-08T20:57:00.001-06:00

Trust.....Truth......Authenticity.....

This board reflects my journey inward to find a way to live outward in the world. Huh? I want to live in the world in a deeply connected way. This year I have been trying to figure out what it means to live in a way to be deeply connected with myself.

I want to speak my truth. To feel confident in that truth. To call my true self out and set her free. I recently had a dream that I think reflected that I am finally saving the younger girl who is still inside me. Saving her from having to please others, from living other peoples' truths, from ridicule and fear. This is huge for me. I have been working to find that younger self, care for her, protect her, and to set her free. I feel proud of the work I have done for myself.

I also see peace and stillness. I have sought to connect to something bigger than myself. To spirit. To god. I have come to understand that value of getting still and listening. I feel blessed to have discovered this. It is a gift I can give to myself.

December Dream Board

2009-12-02T21:43:00.001-06:00

Wishcasting

2009-12-02T19:00:00.002-06:00

Jamie Ridler Studios provides a prompt every Wednesday to help get in touch with the deep desires we hold in our hearts.

Here is my first go at Wishcasting. Not just testing the waters with my toe, but jumping in the deep end.

What would happened if every week you made a wish?
What magic might start to stir?

To wish is to dream. To dream is to hope. And to hope is to live...

My biggest obstacle to wishing is getting in touch with what my heart and spirit want. I have for a long time lived outside of myself and I became an expert in making myself small so as not to upset others. I became an expert in identifying what would please others. I became an expert in others. I still find it challenging to live life from within my body, my mind, my heart, and my spirit. If I took time every week (probably everyday would be better) to be still and listen for the voice inside myself. I honestly don't know what that voice sounds like. But, I can get still, I can show up, and I can listen. I can be patient, surrender to what I hear, and offer love to myself. Love and patience will help that little voice feel as though I am, for the first time, believe that my voice matters.

Here is to getting still and listening to my heart to discover what magic resides within.

Saturdays

2009-10-31T17:12:00.001-05:00

I love Saturdays with nothing to do. I love being able to move from one thing to the next with no pressure about finishing or getting somewhere. I did have one thing planned today, but it was delious. I had my monthly facial at Ruby Room and it was wonderful. I felt relaxed and calm afterwards. A nap rounded out the perfect afternoon.

The other thing we did this morning was take our dog to a photo shoot. Yes, you read that correctly...a photo shoot. It was for a calendar that will be sold to raise money for a local park. No idea if our girl will become a pin-up girl in 2010, but I, of course, believe that the calendar would be incomplete without her.

Here is a picture that a friend took of her recently...

Before my facial, my lady always leads me through a guided meditation (yes, she is that awesome -- ask for Amy). She has me image my feet pushing into the earth and putting in roots, so that I feel supported and love. She then has me imagine a white light filling my body, mind, and spirit. She asks me to collect thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and memories that no longer serve me and to push those dark pieces out through my feet so the white light can fill me entirely. Take a deep belly breathe, she says, and say to yourself "You are loved". Thank you, Amy. I will see you in a month to make my skin beautiful and my spirit sing.

ThE nExT cHaPtEr

2009-10-25T20:36:00.000-05:00

I have been reading the Joy Diet and participating in the Next Chapter with Jamie Ridler. BUT, I have not gotten very far and am hopelessly behind the schedule. In my defense I found out about the project late. That is not really the reason for my lagging behind.

The real reason...doing nothing is really hard for me. Martha Beck makes it clear that until you are doing nothing for 15 minutes everyday, you should not move on to the rest of the diet. Why is nothing so hard? I find lots of excuses, I forget.

My initial idea about why nothing is hard is because I have to sit with myself. I spent my whole life perfecting the ability to avoid myself. To stay out of touch with myself. To stay disconnected. There are many reasons for this that I won't go in to here. However, this push to do nothing is really foreign for me. It is hard to only be with myself, no distractions. My anxiety goes up, my body gets restless, my thoughts spin, the demons come out. I know from reading and talking with people that this is what makes it hard to get started, but getting past the demons is what makes it so great. I have faith that nothing can change me for the better. I have faith that nothing is part of the Joy Diet. Starting is just so hard.

I have done my nothing for today. It was okay. I made it. I tell parents and clients all the time that progress in not linear. And I think that is will be true of my journey with nothing. I think overall it will get easier with time, but I think that the small day to day nothings will not always be easier. This is good practice to take things as they come.

I've Been Away

2009-10-25T20:28:00.000-05:00

Not away from home, but away from blogging. I think I still a little bit ambivalent about putting myself out on the web. However, I find it an easy way to record my thoughts, playing with the layout/design is really fun, and I can connect with others. So, I am going to stick with it for the next 6 months and see how I feel then.

Words That Inspire

2009-10-15T20:18:00.001-05:00

... Here are some words that inspire me ...

... joy ...

... power ...

... gratitude ...

... process ...

... hope ...

... grace ...

... now ...

... imperfection ...

... acceptance ...

... stillness ...

... heart ...

... spirit ...

... growth ...

... play ...

... truth ...

... relationship ...

... breath ...
... emotion ...

2009-10-11T18:52:00.004-05:00

I love when things that seem very separate seem to find a way to intertwine. This week I discovered "The Next Chapter" a group reading "The Joy Diet". The first chapter in The Joy Diet is Nothing. Doing nothing seems so simple, but I have found it to be really challenging. My mind wanders to what I should be doing at home, what work is waiting for me at the hospital, what I am going to wear to work tomorrow, and on and on...

At the same time, my church community is exploring what it means to have a daily spiritual practice. The pastor has a blog in which she is talking about this exploration. I have learned a lot from the messages at church. Jennifer (pastor) has talked about what keeps us from starting a daily spiritual practice. Our church believes that there is a big, infinite love that is available to anyone at anytime. That everyone deserves to feel this love regardless of who they are, what they have done, and what they believe. Jennifer talks about inviting this love into your life and allowing it to crack your heart open. She said that what keeps people from starting a daily spiritual practice is the fear that we are the one that will not feel the love, that we are the one that does not deserve the love. That this love and this grace is not available for us.

I know a lot about fear. I know very little about love and even less about grace. However, the message to start a daily practice is clear. It is hard to ignore something when it is coming at you from all sides. I find myself grateful for these messages. I don't know if I believe Pastor Jen that love and grace is available for me, but I am willing to reach for it. I am willing to have faith. To take a leap of faith.

Today in church, Jennifer talked about the 3 steps necessary to beginning a daily spiritual practice. Step 1 -- Make a plan. Step 2 -- Begin. Step 3 -- Persevere. She said that we need to get still, but have attention and intention to reach for love and grace. She asked that those of us who are ready to make a commitment to undertake a daily practice for the next 6 days. I committed to this. I committed to Jennifer and to myself. Now I am declaring this commitment to the world. I am going to sit still for 20 minutes everyday for the next 6 days. I plan to repeat a mantra to help quiet my mind. My mantra will be Reaching for Grace and Love. I also have a yoga DVD that has chanting and I may use that as well. Regardless of the tool I use, I am going to be still and have the intention to reach for love, to open myself to possibility, and to feel grace pour in.

Joining The World of Blogs

2009-10-11T13:31:00.004-05:00

My first post. I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while. Not so much for other people, but for myself. A place to record thoughts, feelings, reflections. I am a bit nervous about the public nature of blogs. It feels much more exposed then my trusty leather journal.

So, this is an experiment. I made a decision to try this for 2 months and see what I think. What pushed me over the edge is wanting to participate in "The Next Chapter" with Jamie Ridler. She offers an opportunity to read "The Joy Diet" and connect with others on the same journey. I am starting late, but committed to catching up.

I feel as thought I am always searching and and reaching for ... more. More self improvement. More self acceptance. More grace. More hope. More relationship. More vitality. More life. This is not new for me. What is new is my attempt to find balance. To balance this search for more with acceptance of what is. To accept where I am. To accept who I am. To accept those around me. To accept the present moment. Balance, acceptance, hope, love, and grace are all challenging things for me, but I am trying. What feels more familiar is fear, anxiety, and hiding. I have lived with fear and anxiety for so long, I don't always recognize them as my companions. But in the last year, I have come to see how they damage my potential for happiness, for hope, for love, for connections, and for grace. I have decided to stand up to fear. I have decided to not allow anxiety to be my constant companion. I chose faith. I chose love. I chose hope. I chose grace. I don't always know what that means, but I search the present moment to try and find these qualities that I trust to be more sustaining, more nurturing.

So, today I begin my Joy Diet. Not completely sure how the Next Chapter process works, but here is to figuring out new things, to taking a risk, and to reaching for something higher.